Recently I have been visiting a lot of family members as I am home from university and they all like to see me and make me eat loads etc. Today I saw my grandmother, a kind old country lady with good morals and an even better cake tin.
However, today's visit left a somewhat sour taste in my mouth due to the fact that we have very different views on what is expected of women. Call it a generational thing, it probably is due to that, but basically she believes women belong in the home with the children. I on the other hand believe women belong wherever the fuck they want to be. This creates tension most of the time and I'm like whatever usually but today was different.
One of my cousins is expecting a child, he is like 23 or something and his girlfriend is roughly the same age. My grandmother adores it because it means she will become a great grandmother who can fuss and dote all over the little baby n'aww (the baby is also a boy so all the clothes she has made for it are blue but that was too sensitive a subject for me to criticise honestly). I don't really care because babies and children in general irritate me. They don't have respect for those around them, they don't know anything and all in all they are just annoying and loud and they are gross. Fine if you want to have a child, but don't expect me to like them just because they are little and 'cute'.
This came across to my grandmother and my mother when I said all of this to them. Instead of a normal response (Oh OK that's a little harsh but I get your point) the response I got was 'Oh well you're a woman you will have to grow to love them'.
Here is a list of things wrong with that statement:
1. I am capable of having children. I have a uterus. That does not mean I have to love anything that may come out of it.
2. Just because I have a uterus does not mean I have to fill it with baby.
3. I usually get bored before I learn to love things; I love things or I don't it is not a process whereby I force myself into it.
Yes maybe when I am older I will want children, but if I still do not does that make me less of a woman? Will I be cast out onto the streets for being childless and alone? Will my uterus rot away and my boobs fall off because I'm not enough of a woman? WHY CAN'T I JUST DO WHAT I WANT GODDAMMIT
I just found one of my oldest friends new artsy blogs. She is an art student at Glasgow School of Art and her latest project involved hugging clay into funny shapes and then putting it on white blocks and ta daa it's art.
She writes on this blog about all the profound artsy proverbs and bullshit that inspires her in life, the pseudo-intellectual tittle tattle that thrives in art schools and universities in general nation wide. And it made me think; why am I not clever. Then I went through an entire angry process before I realised that in fact I am clever, I am just clever in a less bullshit way. It is easy to scoff at art students, like way too easy, and as a sociology student I will take any chance I can to look down on someone else (most people hate us).
She thrives in talking about how bits of ice melting on the ground in her last show represent how nature changes and alters the environment around it (no joke). But that is not being clever; that is learning how to spin bullshit in a way which will make middle class mothers coo and say how clever you are. I am not saying my friend is not clever, she is extremely clever, what I am saying is that this spinning of bullshit can not be a substitute for actual life changing, ground breaking knowledge. This ice melting cannot change the world, or remotely explain our position within it. The things she learns from art school will never influence world politics, or challenge social unjust. Yes, art CAN do these things, but ultimately it boils down to actual understanding of the world, not understanding of how clay alters when clasped to a body.
I have always been cynical of art. I hate art galleries, I hate when people talk about art and the vast majority of the time I cannot stand artistic types. I hate how my friends mothers pay more attention to those who study art, asking in depth questions at every opportunity. Most of all I can't stand the fact that art takes presidency over actual intellect. This may stem from jealousy that my degree subject is not taken seriously by ANYONE and the most bullshit degree in the whole entire world is taken as the holy fucking grail and anyone that studies it is the dalai fucking lama. But now the jealousy has turned to rage; rage at those who appreciate art more than sociology, rage at art snobbery, and, most of all, rage at myself for letting it get to me so much.
(I submitted this to The Vagenda blog a while ago, as they have not yet published it I have decided to publish it here)
Pretty much every time I start a new relationship,
cystitis clasps my urethra into burning submission, taking with it all
the joy and love i usually have for my general vagina area. For a long
period of time I thought this was due to the fact that some higher power
was not allowing to be happy (true fact, but I'm only young OK forgive
me this). After a few more occurrences I began to realise the main
problem...it was willies. Willies in my vagina. They just go in and out
for a while until I'm left with burning urine for a few days.
After much googling (believe me it was a lot) I discovered
this was called 'honeymoon cystitis'. I foolishly thought this meant i
could only get it from sex once because you only have one honeymoon, but
apparently it does not. It's now 4 years after the first time I got
cystitis, and I have managed to climb the ranks from 'honeymoon' to
'recurring', meaning you get it LOADS and it's always pretty bad.
'Weeping in a cold bath at 5 am whilst you try and pee into the water
whilst thinking you may also shit yourself because you're pushing so
hard' kind of bad. On top of this comes a fever and general 'weepiness'
which is often triggered by the fact that you look down and see blood in
your wee. Whenever blood is coming from your bladder and corresponding
tubes you know you're having a bad time.
I've tried a lot of treatments in the past. I've had
antibiotics, which worked but proceeded to leave me with a bout of nasty
thrush which provided about as much genital-related sadness as I can
handle for the rest of my life. After that I tried these home treatment
sachet things you dissolve in water which work sometimes but not others,
depending on brand and severity. On top of that they are also pretty
expensive and as a student I can't keep shelling out to stop my pee
burning 6 to 8 times a year. A good at home remedy instead of these
sachets is just using bicarb dissolved in water, which tastes awful and
turns blackcurrant squash an odd grey-y green if you mix it with that to
try and get it to taste better. I've also tried leaving it to clear up
on it's own, drinking loads of cranberry juice and 18 liters of water
every second, which can go one of two ways. Option 1: You get better in 2
days and it feels great that you beat that monster using only liquids
and you are such a strong woman woo, Or, Option 2: You get a kidney
infection and you can't leave the house for a couple of weeks and when
you do you cower at the sunlight. (both of these have happened to me,
trust me it's a dangerous game).
Because my cystitis is usually caused by sex (high fives
all round) I have tried all the things to stop this from being the case.
Peeing before and after sex, lots of lubricant, less 'hardcore' sex,
drink cranberry juice all the time, keep hydrated, wash yourself lots,
wear cotton underwear, try sleeping with someone whose penis isn't quite
so big. None of these things have worked for me. NONE OF THEM. I have
become resigned to fact that my body was just built in a way which means
my urinary tract is easily squish-able by things which enter my vagina,
which means loads of little bacterium run to it and try to help but
whoops they make me run to the bathroom every 47 seconds where the only
liquid leaving my body is the tears from my eyes when my entire lower
half burns like Joan of Arc.
I couldn't get all the continuous conversation because he kept replying to different points so it was too hard. I hope this makes sense though, I lost my rag after he called me babe. And also 'classy'. I know I'm not classy, i don't try to be, i don't intend to change myself so i can be more like a 'classy' lady in your eyes Lloyd YOU PIG.
My final tweet to him was 'seeya pal hope you win against the mean nasty gym :-)'
Yeah i sunk to his level but it felt good.
Recently on the Daily Mail (shudder) I read an article by 'mens activist' Peter Lloyd about how women only times at the gym were like totally morally wrong and he is very upset about it. (the article is here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2311098/Peter-Lloyd-Why-Im-suing-gym-sexist-women-hours.html)
In response to this I tweeted to the EverydaySexism account, stating 'daily mail strikes again'. This morning I awoke to a tweet from Lloyd which said 'Wrong. I just want men to be treated fairly - sorry that you consider this sexist.'
HOLD THE FUCK UP. MEN AREN'T BEING TREATED FAIRLY???!!! WELL I'M SORRY MR LLOYD AS A WOMAN I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT FEELS. His patronising tone just took the biscuit. Here we are encountered by yet another misogynist cis male who is sad because silly ladies can't exercise in the presence of great amazing men. His arguement in the article is that old and gay men shouldn't be penalised for having penises, and they are missing out on hours that they have paid for. In my opinion, a man is a man and regardless of his sexual orientation or age, his presence can still make women extremely uncomfortable. Also a woman cannot tell if a guy is gay just by looking at him, unless he is wearing a massive flashing sign. Sigh.
So I respond to this with 'men have privilege over women, that is a fact. sorry if you can't see that this is sexist.' To which he replies 'Don't you see women have the unfair privilege at my gym? Or is privilege ok when it benefits a woman?'
Let me just set this straight. Female privilege does not exist. The reasons why we get 'privileges' is because the patriarchal society we live in wants to do as much as it can to keep us down. The reason women get their own time at the gym is because the gym would lose a lot of custom if they felt unhappy with being in the presence of men at every stage of their work out. It's all to do with money, which masquerades as caring and protection for the women involved.
Lloyd has not responded to my last tweet of 'in my opinion,women do not have privilege in any area.a women only time is not a privilege,it is a necessity.'
I am a 19 year old girl. This is a middle aged man. Starting cute little arguments on a social network site.
Recently I haven't been writing as much. I put this down to something I call the 'depression-humour' curve. When I'm a bit down, but not full blown depressed, I make a lot of jokes to pull myself out of it and make light of the situation. I think this is due to the fact I live in England and there is nothing more that we love than being self deprecating to the point of near suicide. But then I hit an ultimate low, and the curve plummeted downward as all the depression came and all the jokes up and left. Those little bastards.
I was thinking about why I was suddenly plummeted into a world where all I listened to is The Smiths and chain smoked and drunk black coffee with so much sugar that I now have an actual hole in my gum. Then after about 2 seconds I realised it was my current situation with BOYZ.
As a feminist I try to not let the opinions and actions of males dominate my life. But then I think regardless of gender I am going to be effected by the people around me (OK if this is wrong I'm sorry but I'm just trying God). Recently I embarked in an open relationship with a bloke who is nearly 3 years older than me. Its complete and utter deterioration sent me reeling into the world of weepy sad teenage girls.
Here is a list of things which went wrong:
1: He slept with 5-7 people and I slept with 1
Although open relationships are not a competition, I sure did treat it like one. Boy oh boy. My jealously stemmed from the fact that he was beating me, which led to a lot of nights trying to get laid but then getting too drunk to actually doing anything (sidenote: I must pick good guys, one even left a note next to a glass of water which said you were too drunk so I got you this water and got the bus home, bless)
2: I walked in on him once
With another lady. Now anytime you have feelings for someone, you want to be with them and only them. Seeing them doing all the things you like to some other girl at 3 am after your 3rd bottle of pinot grigio results (in this case) in complete crying breakdown followed by throwing the bottles at the bricks of his house (sorry about that all of his housemates)
3: I liked him more than he liked me
It was pretty obvious. I was way more into him. I'm 19, I come from the countryside and now I'm at a hip uni with hip people. He was one of them.
4: I'm a jealous person
One piece of advice I would give to anyone embarking on an open relationship is make sure you are not the jealous type. Also make sure you can differentiate sex and 'real feelings'. Also make sure you use a condom. Also don't sleep with their friends. OK that was more than one piece, I'm just trying to help you out though.
I think thats pretty much it. Currently I am trying to get in contact with him because he has my favourite jumper, a quest which isn't really going anywhere. The loss of this jumper is a physical representation of all the bad decisions I have made over the past 2 months and if I never get it back it will be a beautiful learning curve. But I will be super pissed off. I love that jumper.
So I complied a list of all the things which I have learned since being at uni and also having a vagina while I'm here. I live in a mixed flat, so there are 6 boys and 6 girls, which means I have got to meet some people who really don't share the same views as me (also known as the wrong views but I'll put that to bed early on so it doesn't interrupt everything else) as well as some people who should share the same views as me but don't (dumb bitches).
1: TAMPONS AND PERIODS
Girls get periods. Fact. This fact doesn't seem to register with some people as every month there are cries from the male housemates about how disgusting tampons in the bin are. Yeah we put our used tampons in the bin, we wrap them up and stuff them down in there so you will shut up even though we should not be ashamed of our basic bodily functions. We don't just leave them lying around, and we also don't flush them because that shit blocks the goddamn toilet and also a plastic applicator will not flush just float which is an unnecessary surprise for whoever uses the toilet next. Also, sometimes I like to use pads. I just like to chill out and appreciate the fact that if I cough and a bit of wee comes out that it won't be able to be seen through my jeans. Don't act like it's a full on adult nappy and I am disgusting for catching the blood outside my body as opposed to sucking it up from the inside.
As well as this, constant cries of whether our periods are in sync often come from the male side of the camp. Well actually we are all on the pill so no soz we aren't all together so you can get all the period-ness of 6 girls out of the way in one convenient week.
2: EATING DISORDERS AND BODY IMAGE
I 'used to' have an eating disorder. I say used to because that is the easiest way to explain that it used to be really bad and I still have it mildly but it is just more in my control now, I will truly never be recovered in my opinion. (That was really crudely explained but I just want to get on with the point OK STOP JUDGING ME). Since I came to uni I wanted a 'fresh start' and an attempt to not be so crazy about how I looked, control issues etc. But just as I thought life could not shit on me anymore, I live in a house where every member has weight issues. Daily weigh ins are a regular occurrence. People always talk about diets and the way they look. Everyone comments on the way the other house members look. And you know what I learnt from that; Everyone is a fucking psycho about the way they look. But I'm not going to be. I have a tiny mirror to do my make up in, and have no way of seeing my full body. I feel free. It's not easy, god no, but it made me realise how these people think about their image so much that they forfeit their happiness in other areas. I don't want to do that anymore really. Wow that shit got sad fast, move on to the next point I think.
3: CLUBS AND ALCOHOL
As a girl, you will go to clubs and men will touch your bodies like they just bought you from a pet store. What you should do to these people is talk to them about politics for half an hour, drink their drink (not one they've bought you, just the drink they are drinking) and if they try and kiss you just lick them all over the face. All over it. Or you could just sit them down and tell them about rape culture and how you don't find it a fucking compliment to be treated like a cuddly toy in a grab machine.
4: SEX
You're going to get lots of it (consensual of course).
5:STEREOTYPICAL GENDER ROLES
The males in my flat act as if we are their mothers and this in turn means we have to wipe their balls 24/7. Well no, in fact honey it means do your own shit and if you're expecting me to tidy up after you because I'm a woman then you are sorely mistaken. 'Lad culture' very much applies to these males, playing fifa and making domestic violence jokes like no one was ever really hurt by it. Just a tip to men; telling a girl to make you a sandwich isn't fucking cute. If you do get a sandwich from her then she has probably spat in it, or scooped this mornings cum load out of her vagina and spread it on like mayonnaise. You kinda deserve it, you sexist bastard.
As a female human, roughly once a month I like to bleed from my uterus. I love it in fact, because every month is a beautiful reminder that I don't have to go to the doctor screaming hysterically to 'get this thing out of me' before the fateful 26 week time frame. What I don't love however, is the general ickiness of my period. I have been having a period for like 6 years roughly, and every month is still met with urgh gross ew blood ahh tampon. I don't know if this is due to the fact I am grossly immature, or simply because seeing brown-red clumpy blood dripping from your vagina is horrifying.
Coupled with this however, is the 'issue' of sex on your period. As a highly sexual person (borderline nymphomaniac) I don't really like having to take a week out of every month in which all I do is eat chocolate and cry at the notebook (because I'm a woman right haha thanks guys). I prefer to just get on with it. Theres nothing much different between period sex and non-period sex, apart from you probs have to do it on a towel and your partner might freak out a bit at the fact his penis is covered in your uterine lining. But if he is a consenting adult who is responsible and actually like a bit mature, he won't mind that much. And if he does then maybe you should sit him down and have a strong word because it's your body and a bit of blood doesn't stop a woman from having needs goddammit.
I once read somewhere that your orgasms go in opposite waves when you're on your period, but to be honest I've never really noticed much difference. Frankly though, when I orgasm I probably wouldn't notice if North Korea had launched missiles and the entire room started to buzz with radioactive energy. One thing I have noticed however is after sex on my period I get the most awful cramps in the world. Like horrible. Like half an hour after sex I'm curled up in a ball asking my lover to make me a hot water bottle (which they always do because I like to choose guys who are considerate to other humans feelings).
Another thing is the infamous 'if the river runs red, take the dirt track instead' phrase. Well let me tell you, if you wanna take it up the butt you're going to have to think of a better reason than a bleeding vagina. This is how I imagine the situation is met by most people:
Girl: I'm on my period so not tonight
Boy: But I wanna have sex, can I put it in your butt?
Girl: Well yeah actually thats a good idea I never thought of that
And up the pooper it goes. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with anal sex. Like seriously, no qualms. But you just gotta do it because you want to, not because your partner can't bear a bit of blood and because you are embarrassed of your own bodies functions.
So go foward and fuck on your period if you want to. If you're comfortable and horny, why the fuck not?
