(I submitted this to The Vagenda blog a while ago, as they have not yet published it I have decided to publish it here)
Pretty much every time I start a new relationship,
cystitis clasps my urethra into burning submission, taking with it all
the joy and love i usually have for my general vagina area. For a long
period of time I thought this was due to the fact that some higher power
was not allowing to be happy (true fact, but I'm only young OK forgive
me this). After a few more occurrences I began to realise the main
problem...it was willies. Willies in my vagina. They just go in and out
for a while until I'm left with burning urine for a few days.
After much googling (believe me it was a lot) I discovered
this was called 'honeymoon cystitis'. I foolishly thought this meant i
could only get it from sex once because you only have one honeymoon, but
apparently it does not. It's now 4 years after the first time I got
cystitis, and I have managed to climb the ranks from 'honeymoon' to
'recurring', meaning you get it LOADS and it's always pretty bad.
'Weeping in a cold bath at 5 am whilst you try and pee into the water
whilst thinking you may also shit yourself because you're pushing so
hard' kind of bad. On top of this comes a fever and general 'weepiness'
which is often triggered by the fact that you look down and see blood in
your wee. Whenever blood is coming from your bladder and corresponding
tubes you know you're having a bad time.
I've tried a lot of treatments in the past. I've had
antibiotics, which worked but proceeded to leave me with a bout of nasty
thrush which provided about as much genital-related sadness as I can
handle for the rest of my life. After that I tried these home treatment
sachet things you dissolve in water which work sometimes but not others,
depending on brand and severity. On top of that they are also pretty
expensive and as a student I can't keep shelling out to stop my pee
burning 6 to 8 times a year. A good at home remedy instead of these
sachets is just using bicarb dissolved in water, which tastes awful and
turns blackcurrant squash an odd grey-y green if you mix it with that to
try and get it to taste better. I've also tried leaving it to clear up
on it's own, drinking loads of cranberry juice and 18 liters of water
every second, which can go one of two ways. Option 1: You get better in 2
days and it feels great that you beat that monster using only liquids
and you are such a strong woman woo, Or, Option 2: You get a kidney
infection and you can't leave the house for a couple of weeks and when
you do you cower at the sunlight. (both of these have happened to me,
trust me it's a dangerous game).
Because my cystitis is usually caused by sex (high fives
all round) I have tried all the things to stop this from being the case.
Peeing before and after sex, lots of lubricant, less 'hardcore' sex,
drink cranberry juice all the time, keep hydrated, wash yourself lots,
wear cotton underwear, try sleeping with someone whose penis isn't quite
so big. None of these things have worked for me. NONE OF THEM. I have
become resigned to fact that my body was just built in a way which means
my urinary tract is easily squish-able by things which enter my vagina,
which means loads of little bacterium run to it and try to help but
whoops they make me run to the bathroom every 47 seconds where the only
liquid leaving my body is the tears from my eyes when my entire lower
half burns like Joan of Arc.
As a female human, roughly once a month I like to bleed from my uterus. I love it in fact, because every month is a beautiful reminder that I don't have to go to the doctor screaming hysterically to 'get this thing out of me' before the fateful 26 week time frame. What I don't love however, is the general ickiness of my period. I have been having a period for like 6 years roughly, and every month is still met with urgh gross ew blood ahh tampon. I don't know if this is due to the fact I am grossly immature, or simply because seeing brown-red clumpy blood dripping from your vagina is horrifying.
Coupled with this however, is the 'issue' of sex on your period. As a highly sexual person (borderline nymphomaniac) I don't really like having to take a week out of every month in which all I do is eat chocolate and cry at the notebook (because I'm a woman right haha thanks guys). I prefer to just get on with it. Theres nothing much different between period sex and non-period sex, apart from you probs have to do it on a towel and your partner might freak out a bit at the fact his penis is covered in your uterine lining. But if he is a consenting adult who is responsible and actually like a bit mature, he won't mind that much. And if he does then maybe you should sit him down and have a strong word because it's your body and a bit of blood doesn't stop a woman from having needs goddammit.
I once read somewhere that your orgasms go in opposite waves when you're on your period, but to be honest I've never really noticed much difference. Frankly though, when I orgasm I probably wouldn't notice if North Korea had launched missiles and the entire room started to buzz with radioactive energy. One thing I have noticed however is after sex on my period I get the most awful cramps in the world. Like horrible. Like half an hour after sex I'm curled up in a ball asking my lover to make me a hot water bottle (which they always do because I like to choose guys who are considerate to other humans feelings).
Another thing is the infamous 'if the river runs red, take the dirt track instead' phrase. Well let me tell you, if you wanna take it up the butt you're going to have to think of a better reason than a bleeding vagina. This is how I imagine the situation is met by most people:
Girl: I'm on my period so not tonight
Boy: But I wanna have sex, can I put it in your butt?
Girl: Well yeah actually thats a good idea I never thought of that
And up the pooper it goes. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with anal sex. Like seriously, no qualms. But you just gotta do it because you want to, not because your partner can't bear a bit of blood and because you are embarrassed of your own bodies functions.
So go foward and fuck on your period if you want to. If you're comfortable and horny, why the fuck not?
