WEE PROBLEMS

(I submitted this to The Vagenda blog a while ago, as they have not yet published it I have decided to publish it here)

Pretty much every time I start a new relationship, cystitis clasps my urethra into burning submission, taking with it all the joy and love i usually have for my general vagina area. For a long period of time I thought this was due to the fact that some higher power was not allowing to be happy (true fact, but I'm only young OK forgive me this). After a few more occurrences I began to realise the main problem...it was willies. Willies in my vagina. They just go in and out for a while until I'm left with burning urine for a few days.

After much googling (believe me it was a lot) I discovered this was called 'honeymoon cystitis'. I foolishly thought this meant i could only get it from sex once because you only have one honeymoon, but apparently it does not. It's now 4 years after the first time I got cystitis, and I have managed to climb the ranks from 'honeymoon' to 'recurring', meaning you get it LOADS and it's always pretty bad. 'Weeping in a cold bath at 5 am whilst you try and pee into the water whilst thinking you may also shit yourself because you're pushing so hard' kind of bad. On top of this comes a fever and general 'weepiness' which is often triggered by the fact that you look down and see blood in your wee. Whenever blood is coming from your bladder and corresponding tubes you know you're having a bad time.

I've tried a lot of treatments in the past. I've had antibiotics, which worked but proceeded to leave me with a bout of nasty thrush which provided about as much genital-related sadness as I can handle for the rest of my life. After that I tried these home treatment sachet things you dissolve in water which work sometimes but not others, depending on brand and severity. On top of that they are also pretty expensive and as a student I can't keep shelling out to stop my pee burning 6 to 8 times a year. A good at home remedy instead of these sachets is just using bicarb dissolved in water, which tastes awful and turns blackcurrant squash an odd grey-y green if you mix it with that to try and get it to taste better. I've also tried leaving it to clear up on it's own, drinking loads of cranberry juice and 18 liters of water every second, which can go one of two ways. Option 1: You get better in 2 days and it feels great that you beat that monster using only liquids and you are such a strong woman woo, Or, Option 2: You get a kidney infection and you can't leave the house for a couple of weeks and when you do you cower at the sunlight. (both of these have happened to me, trust me it's a dangerous game).

Because my cystitis is usually caused by sex (high fives all round) I have tried all the things to stop this from being the case. Peeing before and after sex, lots of lubricant, less 'hardcore' sex, drink cranberry juice all the time, keep hydrated, wash yourself lots, wear cotton underwear, try sleeping with someone whose penis isn't quite so big. None of these things have worked for me. NONE OF THEM. I have become resigned to fact that my body was just built in a way which means my urinary tract is easily squish-able by things which enter my vagina, which means loads of little bacterium run to it and try to help but whoops they make me run to the bathroom every 47 seconds where the only liquid leaving my body is the tears from my eyes when my entire lower half burns like Joan of Arc.